How I Overcame My People Pleasing Nature and How It Changed My Life

You landed on this page so you, like me, must be what they call a “people pleaser,” which is a blessing and a curse. I enjoy seeing people happy and I enjoy doing for others. But, sometimes it can be overwhelming and exhausting. We cannot make everyone happy and we cannot expect to be able to fulfill all of our needs along with everyone else’s all the time. 

In this blog post, I will be giving you a few tips to help you move towards living for you and not for everyone else. For caring for yourself and making sure you are happy and knowing that in the end, that is all that really matters! Topics I will be covering are as follows:

• Doing Your Research: When Anxiety is the Reason

• Physical Symptoms I have Experienced With Anxiety

• Making Time For You

• Celebrate the Small Victories

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Doing Your Research: When Anxiety is the Reason 

So, I am in no way trying to say that every “people pleaser” has anxiety. Nor will I try to “cure” you of anxiety, as I am not a doctor and will not condone any “cures.” However, I have recently dealt with some very serious anxiety and would love nothing more than to help others move past it. Also, in my particular situation, my people-pleasing personality goes hand in hand with my anxiety.

With that said, I will say research is everything. I will be happy to send plenty of links that helped me understand and diagnose my own anxiety prior to seeing my physician to confirm. 

When I first really dug into what anxiety can look like, I was on my way home from the Emergency Room after a full heart workup because of an abnormal EKG. I had gone to my local Urgent Care due to heart flutters that just wouldn’t stop and a tingling in my arms along with light headedness. They sent me straight to the ER after viewing my EKG rhythm. I was terrified. Thank goodness for family and my husband!! I truly thought I was having a heart attack (and I am only 29 years old)! 

I dug through the internet after getting the all clear and being told that my heart flutters were from an over intake of caffeine.. Please note, I am not discrediting the ER Doctors, but I had only had two cups of coffee that day (and truly just two cups). For 5 years straight up until this point, I had had at least one cup of coffee a day. In all honesty, I am addicted to caffeine. If I make it to noon without one cup, I will have a headache. So, this answer was strange to me. Why all of a sudden? 

I then went to the cardiologist, who did an Echo and completely cleared me again. He said everything was fine and that heart flutters are extremely normal, especially at my age. Well, that just didn’t give me the answer I was looking for. These heart flutters were lasting all day every day. I was tired. I felt out of breath. It was just super uncomfortable. I knew there had to be more to it. So, I researched and researched and the more I read, the more I realized I was suffering from anxiety. And not in the traditional way that I always thought of: being worried about what was going to happen to me and everyone around me. Because I am a people pleaser by nature, my anxiety stems from a side of perfectionism. I have this overwhelming drive to be the best, maybe it’s from being an only child, who knows. 

Again, research is key. You may not realize how many different symptoms anxiety can cause. Please send me a message if you have any questions about my experience with anxiety. I am also in a never ending cycle with my battle with anxiety so all tips and tricks are welcome, as well! If you need somewhere to start, you can get a few books on the topic here and here.

Physical Symptoms I Have Experienced From Anxiety

• Hair loss: I had extreme hair loss postpartum. I mean, listen, I know hair loss postpartum is completely normal. But, this was insane. I am talking HUGE chunks of hair that was literally clogging the shower drain EVERY SINGLE TIME. And this lasted until about 8 months postpartum. I am sure it was from a mixture of the hormones and the anxiety.

• Heart Palpitations: I had true EKG changes and an extra beat which was seen on both my EKG and Echocardiogram. Most often, heart palpitations are not life-threatening, especially when caused by anxiety, but wow, are they a miserable feeling. Again, I am not a medical doctor, and if you are experiencing heart palpitations, you should reach out to your doctor to confirm what is going on.

• Shortness of Breath: Again, this can be a serious symptom and not necessarily diagnostic of anxiety. Please refer to your physician for any concerning symptoms such as this one, especially in today’s world. However, I do like to mention this one because it was one of my absolute worst symptoms. I just never felt like I could really get a good deep breath. I would yawn constantly trying to take in air. I knew I was getting air and I was breathing fine, but the overwhelming feeling as if I were not was just miserable.

• Dizziness/Lightheadedness: In the midst of my most anxious times, I would often have to sit in fear of passing out. If I turned my head too fast, I would also get extremely dizzy.

• High Blood Pressure: My blood pressure sky rocketed postpartum with both of my babies. I ended up on blood pressure medicine temporarily, and my BP was extremely high when I was seen at the ER during my panic attack.

• Low Libido: I’ll be PG here, but without giving details, my anxiety really stood in the way of my love life.

• Irritability: I have always had bad mood swings with my periods, but anxiety was truly causing me to be an angry person. I would snap at the smallest things. Everything and everyone bothered me. I would even knew I was overacting, but I didn’t have a clue how to keep from exploding! I felt so bad for my daughter because my patience was so thin with her. It was honestly the driving factor for me to do my research and figure out what I could do to change.

• Stomach issues: I will get this pit in my stomach that something is wrong along with bloating and GI symptoms, usually at its’ peak when my anxiety was as well.

Making Time For You

If you have read this far and feel this blog post is about you, keep reading. Take this as your sign to make some changes today. I truly never want anyone to feel the way I felt the weeks leading up to my ER visit. 

I have learned that being an overachiever does more harm than good. We cannot be Superman, nor should we try. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to say you need a break. We are only human, and although I feel moms are something mighty close to a superhero, we are only as good as our hearts allow. And, if you aren’t pouring into you, you surely can’t pour into anyone else. 

What I have been working towards is doing something (even if just one thing) for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. For us moms, that might mean a shower and home manicure. It might mean a glass of wine (or Kombucha) and an hour long Netflix binge after the kids are asleep. It can be anything, but just do one thing for you. And then push aside the Mom guilt that I know you are going to get. The more you push it aside, because you do deserve an hour for you, the easier it gets to not feel guilty. 

Celebrate the Small Victories

 I was setting extremely high standards for myself and those around me so I was constantly getting disappointed. I expected to be able to meal prep, eat healthy (all day), feed my kids healthy food all day, no screen time, exercise, get both kids to bed by 8 PM, not yell at my kids all day, clean the house, do all the work I needed to get done that day. Even typing this is exhausting. Who can do all of that in one day (all while working and taking care of kids)? No one. That is who. 

Instead, let’s set small goals and make them as we go. Let’s celebrate eating a healthy breakfast or the fact that we even ate breakfast. Let’s choose A chore to do that day (a load of laundry or the dishes, etc.), not all the chores, and celebrate that we got that done. If there is no time for exercise that day or you are tired, so be it: rest.

Listen to your body. Remember, these years are short. The days are long, but they will pass. You will have time to clean your whole house again. You will have time to do daily workouts. You will have time to do all the things, but when little hearts and minds rely on you and you obviously can’t and won’t set them aside, you have to choose what is most important in a day and not expect to be able to do it all. 

In conclusion, let this be your starting point to truly live for you. Let’s push past the people pleasing and the need to fulfill everyone except ourselves. We have to make time for ourselves, even when there doesn’t feel like there is time. There is always something that can wait. Don’t let it be you.