Tips & Tricks for Combatting Sibling Rivalry Early
Every child is different and every situation is different. So, of course, you will have to tweak this to your own abilities based on your situation at hand. But, as most of you probably are, when I became pregnant with my second, I was so worried about how my oldest would react. I thought for sure, having been an only child for 3 years and VERY much a Mommy bug, that she would have an extremely hard time coping. However, in all honesty, although there have definitely been some tough moments, and some jealous moments, overall our experience has been wonderful.
Please know that even if you tend to have less of a great experience, it is not due to your own personal failures or the inability of your toddler to cope. Again, everyone is different and experiences and displays emotions in his or her own way. So, we really cannot always avoid the jealousy, nor can we expect our young children to react in any certain way. But, what we can do is set ourselves up for victory instead of failure and then let life work itself out. I will describe what I mean below, but in case you want more tips and tricks, you can visit my other blog post about second pregnancies (with a toddler) here.
To me, there are three big things you can do to set the tone early:
Creating a Positive Mindset Around the Idea of a Sibling
Integrating the Idea of a “Role Model” Early
Inclusion
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Creating a Positive Mindset Around the Idea of a Sibling
What I mean by this is, especially if your oldest is still under the age of 8, trying not to create a negativity around the unborn baby. Even if this pregnancy was unplanned, a not so wonderful surprise, or truly not hoped for, don’t let your oldest see this. These are adult problems to handle and until children grow up, these types of emotions are not ones that their little minds can handle, nor do they have the background to try to cope with this idea.
We want to be honest with our kids and let them know that life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, but there is a boundary here. We can let them know that mommy is tired or mommy feels sick because her body is working hard to create life and let baby grow healthy, but we don’t need to let them think that they have to miss out because of this.
For example, your oldest wants you to jump on the trampoline and you feel it is unsafe to do so, you could either a) have you husband/partner come to the rescue and jump to keep the oldest’s mind off of the original question, b) tell them you really would prefer to watch from the ground, but give them an exciting idea of how you will still be apart of the play, or c) suggest another fun idea that you do feel comfortable doing. This would be instead of saying, “Sorry, Mommy can’t because she has a baby in her belly.” In my opinion, if we constantly blame the baby for the reason we cannot play with our oldest, it creates this idea in our oldest that their younger sibling is only associated with the word, No. This doesn’t start their relationship in a healthy light.
Integrating the Idea of “Role Model” Early
The absolute BEST way to start this sibling relationship in a good light is truly show how important your oldest is going to be to your youngest. Their confidence will shine through to the baby. The more your oldest believes that they baby needs them, the more this will really be true.
For example, we talked a lot about how great of a big sister our oldest was going to be. We got her baby dolls and let her to pretend to change diapers, feed them and give them bottles. We used this one. We discussed how cute his little feet and hands were going to be and what changing the diapers would be like, etc. Then, when the baby was born and we brought him home, we set out a present that was specifically for our oldest “from the baby.” We wrote in a card a sweet little note as if the baby had written it saying how excited he was to get to play with her, etc. We gave her a set of books and in the card, the baby asked for her to read them to her. We also included a dress from Amazon that said “Big Sister” because our oldest is all about her dresses. You can find a similar one here. However, you don’t have to spend any money at all on this if you don’t want to. You could simply pick the oldest’s favorite book and either write the note in there and say something like, “I know this is your favorite book. Will you read this to me and show me the pictures so it can be my favorite too?” Or, make a handmade card out of paper and write a note in there.
Kids are simple (HA!) in that it doesn’t take much to make them feel special. They have quite an imagination and if you use yours, you are very likely to come up with a very simple idea that will set the tone early on.
All this being said to say that this idea of providing them with a “gift” of some sort and talking up their role in the baby’s life presents this idea that they will be the baby’s role model. This may also help in your teachings with your oldest as you can use this to say, “You don’t want the baby to learn to do that right?” But, it will definitely help them understand that they do have a role in this journey. That the shift is not just directed at the new baby, but how the sibling can be a part of the new baby’s life.
The absolute BEST way to start this sibling relationship in a good light is truly show how important your oldest is going to be to your youngest. Their confidence will shine through to the baby. The more your oldest believes that they baby needs them, the more this will really be true.
Inclusion
Kids love to help. They love to have a designated role and to feel needed. It makes them feel important, and as if they have a purpose. This step is mostly about after the baby is born, but you can start while you are still pregnant. Let them pick out a present for baby or pick clothes, toys, pacis, etc. It will make them feel included in the process.
Once the baby is born, in order to steer them from that feeling of being excluded, give them a job when you need them to give a little space. My daughter always wanted to sit on my lap when I was breastfeeding the baby, and although I did let her a few times, I will be honest, it drove me a little crazy. I LOVE my sweet girl and LOVE holding her, but when I was trying to get the hang of this littlest babe and having him nurse what felt like 24/7, the last thing I wanted was another body all over me. That may sound awful, but I won’t try to sugar coat here. BUT, I still didn’t want her to feel like I was pushing her away. So, I would ask her to go get me a diaper and wipes or a washcloth or a soft blanket, etc. She LOVED helping. She loved the idea of nurturing her baby brother, and that I needed her help.
As the baby got older, it didn’t bother me (as much) to have both little ones all over me, and we all grew to get used to this new life we were living as a family of four (plus two dogs.. one being a puppy, but I will save that story for later on). It does get easier. And as they grow, we will of course, reach new battles that we will have to overcome, but for now, let’s take life one step at a time. If we reach too high and set too many goals for ourselves, we are just setting ourselves up for failure. Celebrate the small victories in life and give yourself a pat on the back. The fact you have read through this entire post shows you are a great momma and truly care about what your sweet babes turn out to be. You can do it Mama, I believe in you!